


Turning on a one way street (I'll find my way to you)

by parkjinyeong



Series: Bookmarks in Our Story [1]
Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One
Genre: 2hyun needs more love, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Cuddling, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Semi-Public Sex, jonghyun needs protection, minhyun holding back, this sounds more angsty than it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 06:01:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkjinyeong/pseuds/parkjinyeong
Summary: Minhyun shines so brightly that sometimes Jonghyun feels very, very far away. But even then, he’d suppressed a hope that Minhyun would come. It's stupid, but when Minhyun says “it’ll be okay”, he can almost make himself believe it.or Jonghyun is convinced that Nu’ests failure is his fault and Minhyun does everything to convince him otherwise (with a side of Produce 101 shenanigans)





	1. Re-evaluations

**Author's Note:**

> Can you believe the Minhyun/Jonghyun tag on AO3 only has 7 fics? I can’t believe people are sleeping on this ship. Jonghyun apologizing for something in every single episode stabs me right in the heart, this onibugi is too good for the cruel world. Self indulgent fluff and angst ahead, I hope you enjoy!

 

He slumps against the mirror in the practice room. The other trainees had piled out the door after pizza was announced for dinner. Though peace and quiet is rare on the show, Jonghyun would take 100 trainees over the chaos of thoughts in his mind. His thoughts, each a phantom pain that is clawed and scratched but would never leave.

“What’s wrong?” a passerby might have asked him.

“What’s wrong with me?” he asks himself. There’s no one else there.

He replays the dread of looking away as Dongho and Minki froze in their evaluations. The despair of not being able to look away as Minhyun walked into the D level practice room.

 _We’ll make it through_ , he’d said

How many times do words have to be repeated before they mean something? The words that he practices to, recites to in the mirror, and tosses and turns to at night. Words that fade like silver linings in an unforgiving gale, pounding him to rock bottom even as he holds a bright B in his hands.

The door creaks open as a figure pads into the room. Jonghyun catches a glimpse of green from the mirror. He looks away to avoid the apology that he knows he’ll find in Minhyun’s eyes. Minhyun’s careful concern is palpable, and it catches in his throat. Jonghyun would give anything not to break down in front of the one who trusts him when he has no reason to.

Minhyun has never been one to hold back

When Jonghyun is quiet and uncertain, Minhyun is bright and confident. Minhyun shines so brightly that sometimes Jonghyun feels very, very far away. But even then, he’d suppressed a hope that Minhyun would come. It's stupid, but when Minhyun says “it’ll be okay”, he can almost make himself believe it.

He feels strong arms wrap around his desolate frame even as he scrambles to get away. It’s barely a struggle until he finds himself bracketed snuggly in the other’s wide frame. Even though Minhyun is the problem that he’s been trying to avoid, the taller boy is also closest to the answer that he desperately seeks. It’s always been easier to fall into this routine. Minhyun murmuring apologies to the side of his head, breathing warmly against his cheek. The gentleness lodges so deeply in his throat he can barely breathe.

"Jonghyun-ah"                                                                     

The call that he’s been clinging onto for the last five years, when his optimism had spiralled down with everything around them and all he had left was Minhyun’s voice, Minhyun’s smile, Minhyun’s laugh. But Jonghyun has never believed that he deserves the comfort. What has he ever done to earn Minhyun’s loyalty. Minhyun’s unwavering faith in him. So he pushes the warmth away and patches up the fissures on the walls around his heart. He turns to anger, because it’s always been easier.

"Why were you there. I wasn’t supposed to see you there."

The tears betray him. Rasping through his broken heaves, he’s too focused on getting his words out to resist as Minhyun pulls him back in. Too busy hiding his tears to stop Minhyun from rubbing soothing circles into his back. Jonghyun pauses as Minhyun rocks his body against his own, but there’s no strength left to break away.

"Jonghyun-ah, I’m sorry. I should’ve done better, it’s my fault. Don’t blame yourself, you got into B!"

"Jonghyun-ah please."

"Jonghyun-ah…"

As Jonghyun’s sobs slow down to quiet hiccups, Minhyun holds on. After all, Minhyun has always been the shelter that Jonghyun doesn’t need until he’s right there. Minhyun sighs softly as their tears intermingle between their cheeks. He knows that Minhyun would sit there all night if it meant that his leader would be okay.

After an embarrassingly long bout of sniffles, Jonghyun slowly lifts his head and is met with Minhyun’s searching eyes. He is momentarily too stunned to register the other’s sharp intake of breath. As he tries to gather up an apology, a quiet confession comes out instead.

“I wanted to meet you up there. Everything felt like it was coming down when you came in” Jonghyun whispers.

“I know Jonghyun-ah. I practiced until I dropped to hear you say that I did well." Jonghyun could almost hear Minhyun piecing together what he wants to say next. “We know better than anyone that hard work doesn’t always give us what we want.”

Jonghyun is overcome with a fresh wave of self-loathing. Minhyun didn’t ask for any of this. Warm, forgiving Minhyun doesn’t deserve to hear lies, like how things will be okay. He shouldn’t be forced to believe in a leader that fails him. Before Jonghyun’s thoughts can wander back to self-destruction, Minhyun’s arms pull him up from behind and slide easily over his shoulders.

“C’mon, I saved you pizza and Seonho was eyeing it when I left” Minhyun said as he led Jonghyun through the door.

“M’not hungry” Jonghyun protests weakly. Minhyun just gives him an annoyingly knowing smile, muttering resolutely about how he’ll kill someone if the pizza is gone.

The laughter comes easily now as the pit of dread in his stomach is replaced with hunger. Minhyun is rambling on. “If the show is going to make them wake up at stupid hours and practice endlessly, they should at least give us enough food”. When they enter the noisy cafeteria, Minki and Dongho rush over with sheepish smiles.

“Jonghyunie I arm-wrestled Seonho from taking your pizza. I’ll work harder to keep what’s ours”. Jonghyun knew what Minki really wanted to say.

“Seonho only lost because he knew that he’d have to take me on next” Dongho deadpans as he whacks Minki on the back. Minki yelps and proceeds to attack Dongho with exaggerated pouting faces. As Jonghyun laughs bemusedly at his groupmate’s immature antics, he feels a light squeeze on the shoulder from the arm around him. He turns to see Minhyun gazing at him softly, and Jonghyun is momentarily overwhelmed with just how _grateful_ he is.

For a moment, he is convinced that happiness might just come easily if Nu’est is by his side. 


	2. Justice League

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonghyun is on Hyunbin’s side too, but when Jonghyun is chasing after Hyunbin to make sure he comes back, Minhyun is ushering him out. When Jonghyun is feeling bad about raising his voice at him, Minhyun brings him out for a break. Jonghyun knows, that Minhyun just wants Hyunbin to get better, but he still worries.

Jonghyun watches as Minhyun lists the names of who he wants, the hopeful eyes of all the trainees on his bandmate. Kang Daniel, Ong Sungwoo, Kwon Hyunbin… Minhyun picks carefully and Jonghyun’s head hangs lower and lower. Of course Minhyun wouldn’t actually want him in the group, he already knows how incapable he is. Minhyun would obviously want to start fresh, to surround himself with talented and popular people to lead him to...

“Kim Jonghyun” Jonghyun almost doesn’t recognize his full name coming out of Minhyun’s mouth as his head snaps up in confusion.

Minhyun is staring at him with a quirk in his smile and Jonghyun can’t help but feel a flood of relief. The upcoming week becomes so much brighter knowing that he would be sharing late night practices and spontaneous excursions with Minhyun. He half-shuffles half-runs to the back of the line, completely missing Minhyun’s eyes trailing him with a look of pure adoration.

They’re sitting in circle to pick positions and Jonghyun bites his tongue nervously. He doesn’t want to bring attention to himself and his incompetence. Suddenly he can’t help but dread being in a group full of capable people who are infinitely better at singing and much more charming that he is. When it comes time to pick the leader, Minhyun’s hand is already on Jonghyun’s arm. Jonghyun barely feels it as he shrinks back at the entire group’s stares.

“I get the feeling that Jonghyun would be a good leader” Ong Seungwoo says.

Jonghyun almost laughs, what part of leading a group to failure for five years makes him a good leader? His pupils start trembling as he already envisions his group’s concealed disappointment at him.

“I believe in Jonghyun,” Minhyun declares, ducking down to make eye contract. He knows that Minhyun is giving him a way out, but he also sees complete trust, the same misplaced faith that’s been there for five years.

“We won’t give up, we can do better next time” that’s what he told the group. They joined Produce 101 so that there would be a next time, right? Because they didn’t want to give up on their dream just yet -- and Jonghyun knows that his dream is to share success with the people who went through every hardship with him.

“I’ll do it” he nods. So what if he’s not capable? This is a fresh start for him too, he’ll do anything not to screw it up. At the back of his mind he knows that Minhyun’s radiant smile and reassuring squeeze help him gather courage to try again.

Once they start practising, Jonghyun realizes how truly incredible their team is. He was worried that they wouldn’t live up to such a famous song, (frankly, he was worried about everything), but everyone is doing well. Seungwoo is an ideal centre: charismatic and sultry. Daniel is a ball of contagious energy. Minhyun won’t stop challenging Jaehwan to singing battles. And Hyunbin… well Jonghyun likes to think that Hyunbin is a diamond in the rough. With no dance experience and gangly limbs that don’t listen to his mind, Hyunbin’s helplessness is painfully obvious. It’s the same helplessness that Jonghyun has never been able to shed. Even though he should focus on his own survival, the instinct to help others is ingrained even deeper. He won’t give up on Hyunbin even if it means that he’ll fall too.

It’s getting harder. Everyone is tired, Daniel can barely stand straight and Hyunbin’s been disappearing every hour. In Jonghyun’s eyes, the last thing Hyunbin needs is to be alone. Jonghyun is too occupied with keeping his team motivated to consider whether or not he’s doing a good job. But slowly, an unwelcome thought seeps into every crevice of his subconscious until he can’t stop thinking about it.

Minhyun _keeps taking_ Hyunbin’s side.

Jonghyun is on Hyunbin’s side too, but when Jonghyun is chasing after Hyunbin to make sure he comes back, Minhyun is ushering him out. When Jonghyun is feeling bad about raising his voice at him, Minhyun brings him out for a break. Jonghyun knows, that Minhyun just wants Hyunbin to get better, but he still worries. He worries that Minhyun thinks he’s too harsh, that he can’t do anything right, that Hyunbin is pitiful and that it’s all Jonghyun’s fault.

When Hyunbin approaches him with his head down afterwards with a quiet “hyung”, Jonghyun is so frustrated that he’s about the snap at him. But he pauses when he sees Hyunbin’s guilty expression. “I’m sorry hyung, I’m making this so hard for you. Thank you for not giving up on me but I’m having such a hard time”. Jonghyun immediately softens because he knows exactly what Hyunbin is going through.

“I was being serious when I said I know you can do it, Hyunbin-ah. It’s hard for me too, but just believe in yourself” he soothes as he rubs Hyunbin’s back gently.

It’s the night before the performance and the boys are packed tightly in an individual practice room. Minhyun brightens up when Jonghyun walks in and pats the seat beside him. Jonghyun pretends he doesn’t see and quickly lays down beside Daniel, eyes glued on his iPad. He misses the dejected fall of Minhyun’s face. That night they laugh, they cry, they tell each other about their first impressions. Jonghyun learns that Daniel thought he looked like an angel next to Dongho when Nu’est walked in, and Jaehwan admits that he thought Jonghyun looked like a dinosaur, (but now it’s definitely a Wartortle, he adds quickly). Everyone chooses Minhyun as the visual as Ong jokingly huffs in distaste. Trailing his eyes affectionately over his group members, Jonghyun can’t help but feel that standing on stage tomorrow has never been so exciting. It’s hard to believe, but he thinks they’ll be fine.

Performances have ended and everyone is celebrating in the common area. Jonghyun sits on his own, replaying their overwhelming success over and over when he hears the door open.

“Hyung.” It was Hyunbin.

“Hyunbin-ah, if you thank me one more time I’m going to lock you out of our room tonight.”

“It’s not that hyung. It’s about Minhyun” Jonghyun tenses, fearing that he’ll hear some sort of confession about his bandmate.

“He’s really sad hyung. He says you’re avoiding him and he doesn’t know why. But I see your gaze when I’m with him. Don’t misunderstand hyung, Minhyun cares about you more than anyone. He gave me a stern talk about how hard things are for you. He made me realize that I couldn’t be a burden to someone like you, and I had to do my best. Remember what you told me hyung? You said to just believe in yourself. Maybe you should start taking your own advice too.”

Jonghyun is floored by Hyunbin’s words as his head starts spinning. Minhyun was never on Hyunbin’s side, all three of them had been on the same side. Minhyun is still thinking that he’s done something wrong when the problem is Jonghyun’s insecurity.

He walks with Hyunbin to the common area where his team is celebrating, though he has no idea why Seungwoo and Daniel are tackling a resigned looking Jaehwan. Minhyun is nowhere to be seen. He finds Minhyun practising alone, sweat running down his unfairly chiseled face. Caught staring, Jonghyun averts his eyes but doesn’t fail to see Minhyun hang his head miserably. The guilt crawled up as he goes to sit against the wall, signalling for Minhyun to follow. It’s so endearing he almost cries when Minhyun immediately brightens up and almost crashes into him in his haste to come over.

Jonghyun leans his head on his favourite shoulder and Minhyun immediately shifts to accommodate the extra weight

“You did so well Jonghyun-ah,” Minhyun whispers hesitantly, as if scared that Jonghyun would break at any moment.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you” Jonghyun blurts out. Once he starts he can’t even stop to breathe. “I thought you wouldn’t pick me, and then I thought you only picked me out of pity. I tried not to let it bother me but I couldn’t help it and almost ruined everything again. I thought that you’d think I wasn’t doing a good job with Hyunbin, but you were supporting me all along. I’m so sorry but I’m also so happy Minhyunie. We haven’t won anything in so long and Hyunbin did well and we got to stand on stage together without fearing that it’s our last…” He left off gasping.

Minhyun sighs, exasperatedly fond, as he buries his face into his leader’s hair. Even after this clear success, the stupid onibugi won’t stop blaming himself. As Jonghyun starts to nod off in exhaustion, Minhyun gently guides his leader’s head to rest on his chest. Jonghyun gives a soft sigh of contentment, and Minhyun resolves that he’ll do everything to build Jonghyun’s confidence back up again, because there’s no one in the world who deserves it more.

 


	3. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear is usually a one way road, but I’ll turn around and crawl my way out

The second time Jonghyun is asked to be a leader, he’s already thought through one hundred scenarios to not let his team down. He reads the online comments, words like “nation’s leader” and “angel onibugi” dancing behind his eyelids, asking to be let in. Truthfully, Jonghyun wants to shake them and scream that, far from being an angel, he’s a soldier trying to survive on a land mine. Everything is at stake, and one wrong step leads to the end. People question why he has no greed to bring attention to himself, but Jonghyun has always been the one that stays still in fear of triggering the bomb. There’s nothing heroic about it, but somehow he gets praised for being “selfless” and called “the legacy of the Justice League,”(or so Minhyun had whispered to him before being sorted into their new groups).

Despite having pondered through every single worst-case scenario that could possibly occur during the position evaluations, Jonghyun still finds himself staring at a gaping hole that he can’t find the solution for- He doesn’t have unconditional trust this time, the kind that Minhyun gave so openly. His groupmates might trust him now, but would they turn their backs if a conflict arises?  He looks at the expressions of the boys gathered around him. These are people who have never felt truly confident in their abilities. Boys with uncertain futures and far away dreams, enduring without any indication of clear paths to follow. And even without their complete trust, Jonghyun feels an incessant need to guide them. He knows better than anyone that there is nothing more precious than the ability to dream.

The hardest job is choosing between teammates for the centre. Jonghyun confesses this to Minhyun, after they squabble for around 30 seconds on why Minhyun is visiting other teams and not practicing. Minhyun dramatically exclaims that he’s lonely, which softens Jonghyun at the edges immediately (to his eterinal chagrin).

“Even in Nu’est, whenever you picked sides we always knew how much you don’t want to. I know your team feels the same way” Minhyun reasons. Jonghyun is still unconvinced.

“Even the time you bought Ren a cake. I didn’t get a cake”

“Are you _still_ not over that??!? I spent a whole day playing games with you after you complained about it for a week. You’re a terrible gaming partner.”

“You just shot an arrow through my heart Jonghyun-ah. This is treachery.”

“Shut up and go practice” Jonghyun mumbles, trying to will down the blush rising from the connotation of Minhyun’s words.

Minhyun strokes Jonghyun’s hair (condescendingly, Jonghyun maintains), smiles one of his stupidly brilliant smiles and shouts “you can do this leader-nim. At this rate you’ll become a Blastoise in no time”.

Jonghyun pauses for a few moments, adjusting to the chilliness in the room without Minhyun’s radiant energy. He decides to go looking for his team members with renewed motivation, but stops in his tracks as he contemplates what he just heard.

What on _earth_ is a Blastoise???

\--

Practice goes on with no problems. Moonbok, though disappointed about the centre position, works hard with no bitterness, which Jonghyun is grateful for. Taemin, whom Minhyun affectionately calls “as much of a flailing mess as Minki”, somehow does a complete turnaround and oozes manliness with his rap. As for fledgling Guanlin, Jonghyun can sense the boy’s raw longing for the stage, and the nostalgia lodges in his chest like a heavy stone. He’ll give his all to make sure this talented child starts his career on the right foot.

The _problem_ , of course, is himself. He’s purposely coaching his other team members to perfection to avoid his own part. He knows why he chose this song. Fear is a familiar friend to him, always lurking nearby, ready to crash down at the slightest sign of weakness. He wonders if there are even words that begin to describe the crippling heaviness on his shoulders. How can he deliver the emotions that have been so carefully internalized over the years? When everyone wanders off to visit other rooms or scavenge for food, Jonghyun tucks himself into a corner and tries not to let the vast blankness of the page get to him. His pen taps against his notebook in a dreary beat, muffled in the chaotic silence sitting heavily in the room.

That night, he spends hours and hours in front of the mirror. Changing his lines, adjusting his expression… the words he utters bounce back at him relentlessly like darts of dissatisfaction. His feet are blistered from hours of shuffling on the bathroom floor. Body language is a dancer’s most powerful weapon but every muscle in Jonghyun’s body refuses to move in time with his ideas. Something about sinking into the deep hours of the night feels like a gradual acceptance of the loneliness, where your body takes on a hollow characteristic and you feel distinctly separated from mankind. If another person had walked by to use the bathroom, Jonghyun didn’t notice them. The next day comes too quickly, the daily alarm he sets for 6am is the only indicator that it’s morning.

When Minhyun saunters up to him asking to hear his lyrics, Jonghyun’s nerves are strung out so thin that there’s no room to even smile.

_He can’t make a mistake._

Minhyun asks if he’ll get a shoutout.

_He can’t forget his lines._

He waves Minhyun off distractedly and barely registers the other’s slumped shoulders as he turns away.

_This is the one chance where the entire nation is willing to listen to his story._

_\--_

The performance is over, and Jonghyun can’t fathom how he made it through. He’s sure that his expressions were as stony as, well, a stone, his feet shuffled around aimlessly and he made _two lyrics mistakes._ Yet he placed first, not only in his team but also in the overall position ranking. _What on earth is happening_.

His head feels like it’ll implode with the weight of mixed emotions. The pain that bubbled up in the performance, the guilt of making mistakes, the pounding heart when he saw that number one _twice_ , and a deep _deep_ exhaustion.

When he catches Minhyun’s eyes backstage, Minhyun smiles hesitantly before turning away. Jonghyun, whose usual remedy to emotional drainage is to stew in his own thought, suddenly craves to feel secure in another’s arms. He blatantly ignores the fact that there’s only one pair of arms that he wants for this purpose.

He walks over and gently grabs Minhyun’s wrist to get his attention.

“The managers are coming to pick us up at 7 to go back to the dorm” Minhyun tells him dully. Jonghyun wonders why Minhyun thinks that that’s what he wants to talk about.

“Yah Minhyun-ie, come sleep in my room tonight.”

Minhyun’s eyes widen for a fraction of a second before his eyes brighten in a way Jonghyun has never seen on anyone else.

“Just like old times?”

Jonghyun smiles widely at the hope lacing his bandmate’s words. His footsteps feel significantly lighter as he walks off, trying not to wonder whether the pink tinge at the tips of Minhyun’s ears were simply a trick of the light.


	4. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I would never get tired of you,” Jonghyun whispers, staring straight at Minhyun. He wants to sink those words like tender anchors, so that Minhyun would never forget the truth in them. For a moment the way Minhyun’s light breath is caressing his cheek feels like the only air Jonghyun needs to breathe.
> 
> Song: Galaxy by 볼빨간사춘기

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to Helina for beta-ing everything with random screaming comments.

The tired silence on the company van has become mercifully routine after the turmoil of the last week. Minki and Dongho were done wrestling for shotgun, Dongho giving in as usual because no one wanted to hear Minki whine for an hour back to the dorm. It’s happened before, and Jonghyun had to run a tedious intervention that resulted in a pissed off Dongho, a tearful Minki, and Minhyun sitting quietly in the front seat for the rest of the ride. He’d rather not ever have to do that again.

When they get back to the dorms, Jonghyun showers quickly. Being the last one and all he’s never sure when the hot water is going to freeze over. He’s barely got his pants on when Minhyun crashes through the door.

“Jr-ie!!!!!”

Jonghyun scowls and considers whether it’s worth the effort to lecture Minhyun on knocking before he comes in. No one ever listens anyway. Minhyun flops onto Jonghyun’s bed and rolls onto his side, posing in an exaggeratedly sultry manner and purses his lips.

“Come to bed babe”

Jonghyun’s scowl deepens as he feels blood climb hotly up the back of his neck.

“Yah, I’m going to kick you out if you keep talking like that”, he warns as he climbs into bed and curls up into Minhyun’s side.

Minhyun stretches languidly and reaches to pull the covers up over their stomachs. Jonghyun looks up to find Minhyun’s eyes already on him.

“Tired?” Minhyun says softly.

“Just a bit. I want someone to talk to though” Jonghyun replies, pouting.

“I wish fans could see you like this. Edgy and charismatic Jonghyunie is actually a fluffy aegyo-filled kitten.”

It’s right when Jonghyun is about to protest indignantly that his door bursts open again and a mop of blonde hair appears at the doorframe. Jonghyun has half a thought to hide Minhyun under the covers and pretend that he’s sleeping, but Minhyun has already sat up in alarm.

“Jonghyun-ah, Aron hyung wants you to come pay for the food…” Minki does a double take as he realizes he’s talking to two ruffled panicked-looking faces and not one. _Huh._ “On second thought, Aron is the hyung I’ll just make him pay. ENJOY YOUR CUDDLING.”

Minhyun laughs and lies back down as Minki almost trips over Jonghyun’s game console on his way out the door. Jonghyun sighs, he’s been questioning his life choices since he walked out of the shower earlier. For the record, him and Minhyun are _not_ cuddling. His thoughts are interrupted as Minhyun pulls him back down and makes sure that his head rests comfortably on Minhyun’s arm.

“Why such the sour face?” Minhyun laughs as he pinches both of Jonghyun’s cheeks into a forced grin. Jonghyun whacks Minhyun’s hands away, telling himself that the flush on his cheeks is the result of Minhyun’s stupidly large hands cutting out his circulation.

“Are you feeling okay? You looked so down earlier,” Jonghyun changes the subject. He’s been concerned about Minhyun’s previously downtrodden expression since they’d met backstage. Maybe he was over-analyzing, but the atmosphere was so sincere in the dark that he felt the need for answers.  

“Don’t go all leader-like on me. I’m fine,” Minhyun says, voice muffled in Jonghyun’s hair.

“Minhyunie, I’ve known you for, like, 100 years you can tell me if something is wrong,” Jonghyun says as he pulls away to search Minhyun’s face.

“Yes gramps,” Minhyun says sarcastically. Then his averts his gaze, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “I was just.. scared that you were tired of me”

“…”

“Wait what?”

“In the morning. You just seemed like you wanted me to leave you alone”

Images of Jonghyun ignoring Minhyun’s friendliness in favour of his own nerves come flooding back. He belatedly realizes why Minhyun had gone from tense to joyful when he’d asked him to come over. Why should perfect, sociable, Minhyun be insecure that Jonghyun doesn’t want him around? Their roles are strangely reversed and Jonghyun feels a bit out of his depth for affecting Minhyun this way. He laces his fingers through Minhyun’s in reassurance, determined to get rid of the misunderstandings wedged between them.

“I would never get tired of you,” Jonghyun whispers, staring straight at Minhyun. He wants to sink those words like tender anchors, so that Minhyun would never forget the truth in them. For a moment the way Minhyun’s light breath is caressing his cheek feels like the only air Jonghyun needs to breathe.  

 “Of course not, you did say I am the most handsome after all” Minhyun’s eyes crinkle in mirth.

Jonghyun’s scowl reappears on his face, though it holds no heat.

“Don’t think I’ll let go of how you and Seungwoo picked and praised each other. Daniel hasn’t stopped giving you dirty looks backstage the past few days”

“Aww did our Jonghyun-ie want Emperor Hwang to pick him as the fairest of the land?”

“Yah! Will you shut up now.”

Minhyun’s laughing openly now and Jonghyun is glad that he’s the only one who can hear it like this. From this distance Minhyun is so ethereal, Jonghyun momentarily loses his breath. He wants to pull the other in and kiss his eyelids.

Hold on.

He wants to _pull Minhyun in and kiss his eyelids_?? What.

He admits that over the past few weeks, he’s constantly tempted to seek Minhyun’s comfort in the vocal practice rooms. It feel wrong somehow, for them to be on different teams and not a holler away. Minhyun is a reliable pillar who always knows what other people need. Or maybe he just knows how to push all of Jonghyun’s buttons.

He doesn’t realize how loose the bolts are on the carefully built walls around his heart. It’s as if Minhyun’s absence has shaken its foundation to the very core. Jonghyun doesn’t notice how Minhyun’s boisterous laughing has faded to a breathless chuckle as he watches his leader blink owlishly, lost in his own thoughts once again.

“What about you?” Minhyun decides to snap Jonghyun out of his reverie as soon as he sees his leader’s eyebrows knot up, recognizing the signs of worry on Jonghyun’s features.

“Hm?”

“Are you okay? How have you been feeling?”

“Honestly, the best I’ve felt in a very, very long time. I’m not paranoid of failure all of the time anymore, and I saw an LED billboard of myself on our way back. It feels like we’re finally making it Minhyunie.”

Minhyun nods because he feels the same way.

“Remember when you gave me that nod of acknowledgement when we were sitting in first round eliminations?” That’s the most secure I’ve ever felt about our future. Even though I was 11th and could fall off at any time, I want to keep standing up there with you.”

“Me too,” Jonghyun whispers, eyes dropping, “I want it more than anything.”

Jonghyun goes to take his head off Minhyun’s arms before he falls asleep, but Minhyun stops him.

“You know that my arm is much more comfortable that the pillow, Jonghyunie.”

“What kind of nonsense are you spewing now?”

“Hey, do you want to hear a lullaby?”

“I’ve heard you sing the entire car ride back, and also every day for the past 6 years, I don’t need it haunting my dreams too,” Jonghyun grumbles sleepily.

Minhyun laughs again and Jonghyun wonders how Minhyun had made out what he said.

_“Cause I’m your pilot, by your side. I’ll pluck those stars and give them to you, my galaxy.”_

Jonghyun smiles as he drifts off into dreamland, accompanied by his favourite voice in the world.

Minhyun watches as his leader falls asleep on top of him, fingers carding softly through his hair.

“Let’s go to the PC café tomorrow, and the sandwich place the day after. Let’s go to Everland too, Jonghyun-ah. I’ve missed you”

 

_When the day breaks. I’ll sleep by your side again. Falling asleep under the stars, it feels like I have the whole universe._


	5. 2nd round eliminations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyun kisses with the gentle intensity of the evening tide, alluring enough to sweep Jonghyun away.

Jonghyun bites his tongue, one leg bouncing restlessly as he swivels his head to peer at the trainees around him. Half of them would leave their dreams behind in this room today. The prospect is sobering and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.  

Beside him, Minki is conversing in hushed tones with Jinyoung and Jihoon, a mischievous smirk gracing his face. Jonghyun wonders how Minki can be plotting ways to tease his fans with hints while his position in the show is still uncertain. Though, Minki’s charm has always been to never bother with the problems that other people (Jonghyun) worry about.

He looks over at Minhyun, whose eyes are restlessly scanning the 35 glittering seats in front of them, undoubtedly wondering where he lands. Jonghyun thinks that if there’s anyone in Nu’est who would fit that top seat, it would be Minhyun. He smiles a little at how much Minhyun would gloat about being a real emperor then.

His thoughts wander back to how his heart had leapt traitorously when Minhyun walked into the concept evaluation practice room. If he did anything on this show out of personal interest, it would be to keep Minhyun on the Never team. With him. So when Minhyun put his hand up to be the centre, Jonghyun whipped his head around in surprise at his fellow member’s unexpected ambition, and recognized that Minhyun was just as desperate to stay. The quiet determination on Minhyun’s face was enough to put Jonghyun’s worry at ease.

Thinking about how focused and professional Minhyun has been on the show, Jonghyun can barely recognize the playful boy that he’d spent the entire break with. Minhyun had dragged him all through the city, until Jonghyun put his foot down against going to Everland because Dispatch would probably catch them and cause a problem. Jonghyun sadly realizes that he is alone in longing to go back to those moments rather than sitting in this tense filming studio.

“Jonghyun-ah, you’re staring again.”

Jonghyun startles at the voice coming from his other side. He looks over questioningly.

Minki smiles, seeming satisfied with whatever weird alien abduction he was planning with Winkdeep.

“At Minhyunie. You should make it less obvious how star struck you are”

Jonghyun thinks that Minki has gone bonkers.

“Yah, didn’t I tell you that what you saw that night was nothing? Don’t overthink things.”

“You mean the cuddling? Oh please Jonghyun-ah,” Jonghyun wants to whack Minki over the head for his condescending tone, “you look at Minhyun like he hangs the stars in the sky.” And then Minki smirks like he knows something that Jonghyun doesn’t. “It’s fine though, Minhyun has been looking at you like that for years. I just want to lock you guys in a room to f…”

Jonghyun scrambles to cover Minki’s mouth before he blurts out something outrageous and attracts the attention of all the trainees. He feels the heat burning high on his cheekbones.

 “---igure things out” Minki finishes lamely as he pulls Jonghyun’s hand away.

“You’re crazy” Jonghyun states with finality, indicating that the conversation is over.

He’s too pre-occupied with rationalizing Minki’s words that he misses the way Minhyun’s face drains of colour, gripping the handles of his chair so tightly that his fingers go white. Minhyun subtlely tries to find a reaction on Jonghyun’s face, pupils dilated in fear from hearing Minki so blatantly expose his most well-kept secret.

The crew signals for the start of filming. The nervousness in the room amplifies tenfold and Jonghyun feels it reverberate through his body.

34 to 12 pass by in a blur. Jonghyun tries to keep his gaze on the stage. Guilt crawls up like bile in his throat when he sees the expressions of the trainees go from nervously hopeful to heartbreakingly dejected, once they realize that they won’t make it to the top 35.

At one point he catches Jinyoung and Jihoon interlacing their fingers, and he looks down at his own hands tightly clasped around one another. He glances over at Minhyun, who hasn’t stopped gripping the chair handles since before filming started. Jonghyun is beginning to worry for his blood flow. He wishes he has the same confidence to take Minhyun’s hands into his, soothe the circulation into those thoroughly existent fingers and keep Minhyun grounded.

They are down to the contenders for first place and Jonghyun’s mind is drawing a blank. Minhyun had gone up at rank 6 and Jonghyun wanted so badly just to follow. He didn’t ask to be first place last week, he just wanted to make it to a place where he could unconditionally support the people he cared about. He never asked to be standing on this elevated box with jealous expressions fixed onto him from all ends.

He knows Guanlin is young, tall, and popular. He’s seen Guanlin’s unwavering potential and determination, and has watched him grow and improve as a trainee. Guanlin doesn’t have 5 years of failure crouching in the dark, waiting to crawl back to him once he’s had a taste of the light.

So why do people vote for him instead? They’re only going to be disappointed when they realize that he’s not an angel standing on a pedestal. He’s an average guy who would rather watch anime and play Overwatch some days than drag himself to practice. The fact that people will leave him eventually haunts him beyond reason.

“Pledis trainee Kim Jonghyun”

He’s overwhelmed by the stimulus on all ends as the other trainees applaud, cheer, and congratulate him as he makes his way to the top. He walks up to Park Jihoon with half a mind to ask him how he bears the weight of the crown. He realizes, before the words leave his mouth, that people like Jihoon are meant to sit at the top.

_I don’t belong here._

His mind whispers. But his lead is more than half a million. Everyone is smiling up at him, with thankful gazes for taking care of them. He catches the fond expressions of all of the Nu’est members, searching and finding only pride in their eyes. For a moment, Jonghyun wonders if maybe being up here right now is what is important. If maybe one day, he might be able to put the past five haunting years behind him and walk into the light.

He smiles.

\--

Filming is over. Jonghyun’s head is buzzing with his newfound elation of winning, the lingering burden of being number 1, the congratulatory words from all of his teammates, and the chagrin of sending off the ones who didn’t make it.

Suddenly, someone crowds in behind him and shoves him into an empty practice room. He’s about to protest when he turns around and suddenly finds himself with an armful of Minhyun.

“Sorry, I just wanted you to myself for a moment” Minhyun whispers breathlessly. Jonghyun’s arms tighten around the other’s wide frame as his initial shock melts into Minhyun’s warm embrace.

“I’m so proud Jonghyunie. Who knew that it would be you sitting on top? I’m so, so happy for you”

Jonghyun’s heart beats so fast for the boy in his arms. The exhilaration from sitting on the throne, the loud cheers from his friends, the face beaming down at him now, and Jonghyun just wants to _feel_.

He pulls Minhyun back with difficulty, scanning the other’s softly confused face for a moment before leaning in.

When their lips meet it feels as if the rest of the world falls away. Jonghyun barely registers how Minhyun lets out a small gasp and stills in his arms.

Jonghyun presses closer until his body is flush against the other. A switch seems to fall in place for Minhyun as he experimentally presses back. Jonghyun gasps and the other takes it as encouragement to back him back up against the wall, hands roaming down his back. Minhyun kisses with the gentle intensity of the evening tide, alluring enough to sweep Jonghyun away. The innate dominance in the way he swipes his tongue over Jonghyun’s lips, asking for access that is immediately given, is so intimate that Jonghyun helplessly surrenders and goes pliant in his arms. But more than anything, kissing Minhyun is like searching for a hundred years and finally finding the right door. Jonghyun moans appreciatively as their tongues glide against each other, and Minhyun’s fingers dig into his lower back in response.

They break off for air and through their heavy panting, Minhyun’s eyes swim with a hundred questions. Instead of facing any of them, Jonghyun lunges to capture the taste of those lips again. He feels an insatiable appetite for the way Minhyun pins him to the wall with his strong arms, the way his plump lips cover his own so thoroughly, the way his head tilts down to chase Jonghyun’s mouth over and over again. If this is what losing yourself feels like, Jonghyun will never search again. As he pulls his arms up to wrap them around Minhyun’s neck, Minhyun groans desperately and grinds down, and Jonghyun feels intense pleasure course through every fibre of his being.

He’s suddenly clearly aware that his pants feel three sizes too tight and his breath comes in needy gasps. It’s this reaction, one that he didn’t give his body permission to have, that slams reality back into him like a bullet train.

He summons the little strength left after Minhyun has reduced him to putty and roughly pushes away. They both stumble back, Minhyun staring at him through half-lidded eyes, mouth pink from biting and hair tousled from tugging, and Jonghyun realizes with a cruelly poignant horror what he’s just done.

He breaks off and stumbles out of the room, tears streaming down his face as he tries to get rid of the deep longing that has settled in his bones.

The years he’s spent teaching Minhyun choreographies late into the night, fingers lingering against the other’s skin while fixing his form. The years he’s watched Minhyun fill out of his gangly adolescence, losing his cheek fat and becoming so handsomely masculine it sometimes left Jonghyun gaping in awe. The way Jonghyun always pulled back as they danced precariously on the edge between brotherhood and something more.

It has all come down to this.

Jonghyun, dropping to the floor of the bathroom he’s locked himself into, comes to a terrifying revelation that he’s deeply, irrevocably in love with Hwang Minhyun.

He buries his head in his hands.

_What on earth have I done._

 

 


	6. Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that when Jonghyun had said “let’s forget about it”, Minhyun interpreted it as _make up by being extra affectionate and considerate_. It’s so _Minhyun_ that Jonghyun is very much unable to handle it.

Minki had once said that his biggest fear was spiders and fashion terrorists. Jonghyun had laughed lightly and wondered how someone could live in such a carefree way.

Jonghyun’s biggest fear is losing control.

Losing control over his future, when he has no idea whether Nu’est will continue and the road ahead is a blanket of uncertainty that smothers any spark of hope.

Losing control over his team, when his thoughts grapple for a single reason why they still believe in him and coming up with nothing. When he’s pushing through the heavy haze and his greatest worry is that the others won’t follow.

It’s a given, then, that he would hang onto the singular thread of control over his feelings like a lifeline. His entire existence continues to be a single bad omen, where at the first semblance of order, a new reality sweeps in and shifts his entire world view.

Jonghyun thinks back to the PD’s instructions to wake up early for practice the next day, and his stomach sinks in dread at the prospect of seeing Minhyun first thing in the morning, and endlessly over the next two weeks. The awkward side glances are inevitable, with both of them not knowing how to act around one another. Jonghyun ruffles his hair in frustration, wishing the floor would just open up and envelop him in emptiness. Minhyun had been the most natural constant in his life. Where do you go when the wide shoulders you usually cry on are the reason for your tears?

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting on the cold tiles when the panic has ebbed into to a hollow melancholy, the kind that accompanies long days of solitude and heartache. Jonghyun knows that he has to patch things up, but his fight or flight instinct is obstinately stuck on flight and he knows that he’ll just end up avoiding the problem (Minhyun) and hope it disappears—the problem, not Minhyun.

He decides to head to bed, hoping that he’ll wake up to this entire ordeal being a terrible nightmare. What he doesn’t count on, is Minhyun sitting right outside the bathroom door, resulting in him scrambling backwards with an embarrassing yelp before he lands on top of the hunched over boy. Minhyun’s eyes are puffy and downtrodden, and as much as Jonghyun wants to make a run for it, he knows that’s he’s the cause of the tear tracks staining Minhyun’s cheeks. 

“Jonghyun-ah….”

Jonghyun desperately wants to know what the other is thinking, but is too scared to ask the question.

“Let’s pretend nothing happened” is the first thing that he blurts out of his mouth, in his haste to cut off the certain apology and rejection from the other. He can’t have his heart broken now, not with the lingering rawness of his newly acknowledged feelings and the profoundly sad eyes staring back at him.  

Minhyun opens and closes his mouth a few times, as if desperate to piece together words but ultimately being unable to do so. Instead, he hangs his head in defeat and whispers “Okay, if that’s what you want.” Jonghyun feels an overwhelming need to take the other into his arms and confess the three fateful words against his lips. His lack of impulse control scares him and he inhales quickly… only to choke on absolutely nothing. Minhyun is at his side in a second, flitting over him in overprotective concern, and Jonghyun is too busy stopping his coughing to push the other away.  When he’s actually comes back to his senses, Minhyun has taken his wrist and he tries not to jolt visibly at the contact.

“Hey, we’ll be ok…”

 _Right?_ The question in Minhyun’s words is unspoken.

“Of course, this is nothing. Go get some sleep” Jonghyun replies and subtlety flees.

When Minhyun comes into the room a bit later, Jonghyun pretends to be fast asleep. He feels Minhyun hover over his bed and bring his covers over his body, fingers lingering on his shoulders before pulling away.

“Goodnight, baby” Minhyun whispers, and Jonghyun defies all logic in convincing himself that, despite being wide awake, he’s dreamed those words.

\--

It turns out that when Jonghyun had said “let’s forget about it”, Minhyun interpreted it as _make up by being extra affectionate and considerate_. It’s so _Minhyun_ that Jonghyun is very much unable to handle it.

They’re practising for Never. This is the sixth time he’s called for a break and Minhyun has come rushing into his personal space to offer a water bottle and a towel every single time. The first three times Minhyun had moved in to wipe his sweat— eyes bright with hope that Jonghyun is sure he’s imagining— only for Jonghyun to step back and take the towel with a subdued thanks. He’s stubbornly certain that the only reason Minhyun’s eyes seem to dim every time he gets turned away is because he was just too bright in the morning.

Now, Minhyun just drops down beside Jonghyun (still much too close for comfort, in Jonghyun’s opinion) and passes the towel over, groaning about how they’ve been practicing for five hours and he’s _starving_. Jonghyun thinks that Minhyun is great at pretending that the last time they were leaning against one of these mirrors, they weren’t desperately pulling at each other and making out. A voice tells him that _of course_ Minhyun would be normal. Minhyun was probably just having fun, satisfying his curiosities. _Minhyun_ probably hadn’t be tossing and turning the entire night, haunted by the ghost of soft lips and curved fingers pressing in from all sides.

How would Jonghyun have known, that while Minhyun had sat outside the bathroom listening to Jonghyun sobbing his heart out, he’d waged an internal war. How does he reconcile the phantom pleasure of Jonghyun’s chapped lips with the promise to protect the most important person in his life? How would Jonghyun have known, that when Jonghyun asked him to forget about it, Minhyun was tormented by the force of his overwhelming longing. Jonghyun couldn’t have known, that maybe all this time it’s been Minhyun suffering alone.

So Jonghyun doesn’t know, and they continue on with practice. Being a leader is almost easy now, something that he’d happily take over facing forbidden feelings. The team learns quickly and Jonghyun is dangerously invested in making sure all of them make it to top 11. He’s terrible fond of all the trainees, who shower him with praise and call him their biggest inspiration. Jonghyun thinks that he’s doing well, which is funny because a few weeks ago, Jonghyun admitting that things are going well is like saying that the earth will orbit the moon.   

“Sad ending for the two of us, never”

Okay, well there’s also that. Sometimes when Minhyun mouths the words he makes eye contact with Jonghyun, and it feels like the room narrows down to the two of them. He’s subtlety stumbled on his choreography a shocking number of times, forced to call breaks to haphazardly piece his sanity back together. When Daehwi asks if he’s okay, you’re breathing really hard hyung, Jonghyun dismisses it to the difficult and continuous choreography. He ignores Minhyun’s inquisitive gaze, knowing that Minhyun is well aware of Jonghyun’s impressive dance stamina, and that this choreography is nowhere near enough to leave him chocked up.

They wrap up practice deep into the night when Woojin has started talking to his reflection and Seongwoo quietly asks Jonghyun if he can make a visit to Daniel’s room. Jonghyun personally feels like he needs to practice more, despite his part being cleanly four seconds long, but the temptation of snuggling in with the others is too strong.

They all settle down onto the floor in one of the practice rooms, none of them willing to make the trek down the hallway to their actual dorm. Minhyun crawls over Jaehwan to sprawl out beside him and Jonghyun is once again hyperaware of the way Minhyun’s arms brush against his. He absent mindedly practices his rap while listening to the familiar rhythm of Minhyun’s breathing as he drifts off to sleep.

It’s tiring to push feelings that have bubbled over after so many years back into the bottle, especially when he loves the most forgiving man in the world. So Jonghyun settles in, letting Minhyun burrow closer as he sighs contentedly in his sleep. For this once, he’ll let himself have this. As he hums _the words that linger in a deep place, I love you_ unconsciously under his breath, the boy beside him is the only thought on his mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending scene is when Park Woojin was being a sauna VJ in ep 9 :)


	7. Break 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonghyun really starts choking on his sobs now, lunging into the warm chest in front of him. He doesn’t know why Minhyun is there, why Minhyun always manages to be there when he needs him the most. But it feels like he's home

Their Never performance is over, and they’re not first. Jonghyun just wants to spend the five day break hiding in his room and pretending that things aren’t falling apart again. Unfortunately, Dongho has an uncanny sixth sense for self-destructive feelings and insists on team building activities.

“Jonghyun, you haven’t seen Aron in _forever_ , don’t you want to spend some quality time together?”

And as much as Jonghyun wants to retort that it’s only been two weeks, stop being dramatic, he’s always been weak to his members’ guilt trips and somehow finds himself on the sofa wedged between Minhyun and Aron while Minki and Dongho argue about which movie series to marathon. Jonghyun thinks that his bandmates are full of shit because as far as Jonghyun is concerned, a movie marathon is not going to do anything for their “team building”. But maybe Jonghyun doesn’t know anything because the way Minhyun keeps shifting to try and get Jonghyun to lean into him is doing irrational things to his sanity and he has no idea what movie Minki ends up picking. (Minki later protests, when Jonghyun asks, how someone has the audacity to not know The Devil Wears Prada. At which Dongho sighs in resignation that they should’ve just _listened to him_ and watched Avengers instead).

So it is perfectly understandable that when Minki is on the phone with his mom, and Dongho and Aron are napping, Jonghyun sees the perfect opportunity to get away and sort through his laundry basket of thoughts. It’s difficult to be in the dorm when he’s innocently opening a cupboard in the kitchen, and seeing a teacup reminds him of how Minhyun always makes him coffee in the morning and stubbornly serves it in that very teacup. So yes, Jonghyun really needs to get away and straighten himself out. He knows it’s risky, being on a reality show is not the smartest time to be roaming about. But Jonghyun is no stranger to disguises, and his good friend who DJs at a club in Gangnam has been pestering him to pay a visit. He knows that as long as he makes it to the VIP section, there will be enough famous and important people to make the packed club the most inconspicuous public space in the city.

He’s so busy trying _not_ to think about Minhyun that he doesn’t notice the boy observing him wordlessly on the couch. Minhyun furrows his brows at the leader’s ripped skinny jeans and low cut mesh top. The outfit is a far cry from Jonghyun’s usual soft oversized style and screams of bad decisions. He’s well aware that Jonghyun’s mental state has been turbulent despite his efforts to act normal. So once the door closes Minhyun leaps to his feet, scrambling to follow. He’s just worried that Jonghyun will do something that he’ll regret, that’s it. It definitely has nothing to do with Jonghyun being dressed like he’s ready to be seduced and taken home. By someone else.

Jonghyun gets through the security at the back of the club and immediately heads towards the DJ booth. His friend lights up once he spots him, and ushers Jonghyun to the bar for shots.

“Hey man, you look like shit. Look at those dark circles, did you get dumped recently? Let loose tonight, drinks are on me. I have to use all the free drinks I get from working here on someone…”

The voice carries off and Jonghyun only catches about half the words as he downs another shot, the burn of vodka coursing through his bloodstream. As rowdy bodies bump against him and colourful lights flash in his eyes, Jonghyun feels the nervous energy that’s been bottled in for the past few weeks dissipate into the pounding music beneath his feet. He takes a few more drinks until the people around him take on a hazy glow. His wandering eyes land on the dancing crowd and he starts making his way over. Jonghyun may not be very confident on stage, but give him his zone on the dance floor and he becomes a separate animal.

Sure enough, as soon as he starts losing himself in the music, a warm hand slips around his waist and a taller body crowds in from behind. Jonghyun is momentarily blinded by flashbacks of another person’s hands roaming on him, but shakes his head at the memory and turns toward the stranger with a smirk. He’s handsome, tall and surly with an appreciative glint in his eyes. The man licks his lips, and Jonghyun drags his gaze slowly from his neatly coifed hair to his clearly expensive leather shoes, eliciting a groan from the other. He could work with this, butter the man up a little and try to shake off the nagging guilt that claws at his lungs.

In the distant shadows, a pair of fox-like eyes harden as he watches some pile of grease rub his hands over Jonghyun. He can see the predatory gaze of the man as he runs his eyes over Jonghyun’s body, and Minhyun wants nothing but to throw the man off and deliver a few clean punches to his face. The room is suddenly too hot and closing in on him. Minhyun sees white with rage, clenching his fists and feeling his mouth run dry. Someone stumbles into him from behind, spilling the entire content of their beer down his back, but Minhyun barely registers the other’s hasty apology as he waves them off distractedly.

Jonghyun is getting frustrated. He’s trying so hard to forget, but the same image keeps etching itself behind his eyelids. Minhyun sitting on the couch, waiting for him at home. Minhyun who must be biting his lips in worry, not knowing where his friend is and when he would come home. The stranger, impatient from Jonghyun’s clear lack of enthusiasm, begins groping his ass and leans down. Jonghyun is suddenly slammed backwards with the need to get away. To go home and crawl into Minhyun’s embrace. Minhyun, who would never take advantage of him like this, who would handle him with all of the gentleness of being home on a rainy day.

This is a terrible idea.

Minhyun is waiting for him.

He needs to go home, to Minhyun.

The other man at Jonghyun’s distress lets out a low growl and gets more aggressive, knocking hard on his forehead in an attempt to kiss him. Jonghyun lets out a broken gasp, still too tipsy to muster the strength to push the man off of him.

 _Minhyun-ah,_ he rasps desperately, rapidly running out of strength to fight back, _save me._

Right then, the man is ripped backwards and someone briskly pulls Jonghyun away. Jonghyun’s vision is swimming with tears and he’s too confused and scared to question his saviour. Once they’re near the exit, the man dragging him turns around and is cupping his cheeks in a second.

“Jonghyun-ah, are you okay?”

Jonghyun really starts choking on his sobs now, lunging into the warm chest in front of him. It feels like he’s home. He doesn’t know why Minhyun is there, why Minhyun always manages to be there when he needs him the most. He balls his hands into the other’s shirt, clinging desperately in case the other pulls away. Minhyun’s arms are around him, rocking him gently. He can feel Minhyun’s tense muscles loosen as he cards his hand through Jonghyun’s hair.

“Minhyun-ah, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry” Jonghyun hiccups brokenly, knowing that his words are incomprehensible. Minhyun is suddenly struck with a deep hatred for the man who reduced _his_ Jonghyun to this. Jonghyun keeps crying, and Minhyun finds that he loathes himself more. When Jonghyun is just starting to get better and believe in himself, he let him fall into the hands of another evil, let someone leave another scar in the heart that he wants to protect so badly.

“Jonghyun-ah, it’s okay now. Let’s go home.”

But Jonghyun doesn’t want to go back to the dorm and pretend that nothing happened. He doesn’t want to face the other members’ worried expressions at his weaknesses. He’s still uninhibited enough from the alcohol in his system to bravely asked for what he really needs.

“Minhyunie, can we dance together?”

Partially to get rid of the dirty feeling the other man left on him, but mostly because since the moment Jonghyun walked into the club he had known that what he was looking for wouldn’t be there. He wanted comfort, and there was only one person in the world who could fill that void.

Who is Minhyun to deny him anything?

Minhyun, who usually has the patience of the Pacific Ocean, is suddenly filled with the intimate urgency to claim the man in front of him as his own. For the first time, he’s committed to making sure another man will never be able to hurt Jonghyun like this again.

Minhyun smiles reassuringly, leading Jonghyun back onto the dancefloor. He knows that there’s love in his eyes, but finds himself unable to check himself to conceal it even for a moment. Minhyun starts swaying them to the music, planting his hands heavily on Jonghyun’s waist. Jonghyun is momentarily stumped on how the same actions can make him feel so different, as if he’s floating in another dimension and those hands are the only touch keeping him grounded.  

Their moves get dirtier, their hands get touchier, and both of them are fully turned on but neither of them mention it. Minhyun leans down and buries his face into Jonghyun’s neck, lips nipping softly and leaving goosebumps in his wake. Jonghyun draws back, and Minhyun meets his gaze uncertainly.

The second time they kiss, it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

Jonghyun thinks that Minhyun is a bit drunk himself. He smells strongly of cheap beer, but the other’s tongue is sweet, skilled and demanding as he pulls Jonghyun in with him. Every press of Minhyun’s lips feels like sealing a promise, one that Jonghyun is ready to keep for the rest of his life.

Jonghyun moans and breathlessly reaches his hand underneath Minhyun’s shirt, splaying his fingers over the hard lines he finds there. Minhyun’s abs clench underneath the intrusion, and even though Jonghyun has seen Minhyun shirtless a million times he’s never felt it like this, like his whole body is unraveling at its seams with desire.

Jonghyun’s phone vibrates against his thigh and he knows that they have to leave the protection of the smoke and strobe lights soon. They aren’t just two anonymous boys trying to hold back feelings for each other, they’re idols, trying to make it and afraid of losing each other along the way. Even with that reality laid out in front of him, Jonghyun can’t keep himself away from Minhyun as they make towards the exit.

He lays his head on Minhyun’s chest on the taxi ride home. Minhyun’s arms are still wrapped protectively around him, and he starts to doze off cozily.

When they get to the dorm, Jonghyun is too tired to protest as Minhyun carries him bridal-style up to their dorms, his arms wrapped obediently around the other’s neck as he mumbles a quiet thank you. The members immediately rush to them in worry as soon as the door opens, but back off when Minhyun quietly shakes his head and gestures at the sleeping boy in his arms.

When Minhyun lays him down in his bed, Jonghyun’s eyes flutter open delicately. Minhyun is floored for what seems like the millionth time that night with the ethereal beauty before him.

“Minhyunie,”

“Hm?”

“Will you stay?”

Minhyun lets out a soft sigh at the request, he couldn’t leave even if his life depended on it. He peels off his shirt that is still a bit damp from the beer spilled on him earlier, lifts the covers and crawls in. His heart pounds at the sensation of Jonghyun soft mop of hair snuggling against him.

“Minhyunie,”

“Mm?”

“What’s going to happen to us now?”

“Shh baby, just go to sleep for now. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Jonghyun makes a promise to himself, teetering on the precarious ledge between consciousness and dreamland, that he won’t let Minhyun slip through his fingers again. At peace with himself, he lets Minhyun’s heartbreakingly fond smile lull him to sleep.


	8. 12th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are both too many words and absolutely none at all to describe what the boy in his arms means to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mature content, you have been warned

Minhyun is roused by the buzzing of his phone, scrambling to pick it up so it doesn’t wake up the other boy in his bed. At the thought, he looks down and melts back onto the pillow, letting his breath intermingle with Jonghyun’s gentle snores.

He thinks back to the night before. Although there is the possibility that he could’ve made a colossal mistake, and Jonghyun might wake up and cut him off for real, Minhyun can’t help but smile foolishly at the way Jonghyun had let himself surrender and be swept away. He saw the raw longing in the other’s eyes, one that told Minhyun that maybe, after 6 years, he deserves to give himself a chance?

He’s caught up in his lingering questions when Jonghyun shifts lightly. The other is shifting into the curve of Minhyun’s body, and he wonders how there can be two puzzle pieces that fit so flawlessly. He guides a strand of hair back into place, fingers hanging in mid air to trace the soft lines of Jonghyun’s forehead in feathery strokes.

There are both too many words and absolutely none at all to describe what the boy in his arms means to him.

His phone buzzes again and he’s jerked back to reality. He checks his messages and finds one from his manager and one (much more sassily worded) from Minki. They want the team together to review their progress and plan contingencies to the outcome of the show.

Minhyun looks down at Jonghyun, the boy is bound to have a slight hangover when he wakes up. He decides to be the nice guy (read: lovesick fool) and feign the other’s sickness. It takes the willpower of a navy fleet for Minhyun to peel himself away, but after saying to himself “just five more minutes” three times and ignoring an onslaught of texts from Minki telling him to stop dreaming about lover boy in varying degrees of rudeness, he really has to go.

\--

When Jonghyun wakes up, he’s muddled by the remnants of dreams that evade him in whispers. His head thrums with the after effects of drinking too much and his heart thrums with the persistent side effects of falling in love. He groans and tries to seek the warmth in his bed that he’s become accustomed to after only a single night, and frowns as his fingers meet emptiness. He cracks open an eye, groaning as the noon sun does nothing for his growing headache. The thoughts of such a headache go flying out the window as he sits up quickly, ignoring the pain shooting through his brain in favour of considering the implications.

He’d kissed Minhyun. Minhyun had kissed back. Minhyun had gone to sleep with him (nothing had actually _happened_ , unless Jonghyun was more drunk that he had originally thought). And Minhyun had left him this morning.

All rational thought that Minhyun was probably out in the living room because, well, they live together, are ignored in favour of the irrational thoughts that tend to cloud Jonghyun’s mind. Maybe he’d imagined it all, maybe Minhyun never wanted the same intimacy, maybe Jonghyun, like always, is bringing his hopes up too high only to have them propelled into the pits.

He catches a bright colour out of the corner of his eye. Swiveling his head around, he sees a sticky note and immediately scrambles to pick it up.  

_Hi sleepy, I’m going for a meeting with management. You looked too cute to be woken up so make sure you pretend to be sick if manager hyung comes to check up on you._

_We still need to talk, see you later ^.^_

Jonghyun’s heart is so instantaneously put at ease that it’s almost as if Minhyun had enveloped him in a hug. He remembers the promise he’d made to himself last night. And he knew, that even if he got his heart pulled apart at the seams by Minhyun’s big gentle hands, it’s better than to not have a chance at all. He won’t run away. They’ll talk. And maybe things might work out.

Just because Jonghyun _wants_ to talk does not mean that he can seek Minhyun out and talk on the spot. It remains an itch in his back that he can’t touch, when he just wants to reach it before the courage flows out of him in waves. They need to get back to the training grounds today, prepare for the final evaluation. There had never been room to be pre-occupied by feelings in the first place and that fact doesn’t change just because feelings are now there.  

So they don’t really see each other beyond passing nods and tired smiles, and Jonghyun is getting increasingly more frustrated because his heart is screaming for more. Sitting down to monitor the broadcast that night, Jonghyun incredulously realizes how much not having Minhyun around for even a day rubs off on him the wrong way.  

Other than a hand placed lightly on his thigh, Minhyun is not touching him at all. Jonghyun tries to reason with himself that there are 33 other trainees cramped into a small space, and it’s hardly the time to be seeking intimacy. This episode will easy, there’s no elimination, no ranking announcements, just performances and games and Jonghyun relaxes and wishes he could recline onto Minhyun’s chest instead of settling for the companionable pressure on his thigh.

Nearing the end of the episode Jonghyun’s eyes are fluttering shut every few seconds. He’s in the middle of contemplating whether or not it would be fine to just bury his head into the crook of Minhyun’s neck for a light nap, when everyone in the room gasps and Minhyun’s entire frame freezes, hands dropping from Jonghyun thigh and leaving coldness in its wake.

“12th place, Hwang Minhyun”

Jonghyun’s eyes widen, because what? No other name is shown other than Minhyun’s jumping out of the screen like a siren, and the heavily dreaded 12th seat.

He had let down his walls and foolishly assumed that they’d debut together, share success together. But now Minhyun is twelfth and that idealism suddenly feels very very far away.

His head snaps over to Minhyun to see how the other is taking it.

Everyone else seems to have the same idea because all 34 heads in the room are turned towards Minhyun, cautiously, as if waiting for an explosion.

Minhyun smiles tightly at the others.

“It’s ok guys, 12th is a good rank, I’m thankful”.

The others sigh in relief and start mumbling among themselves about how the new voting system is going to mess up everything.

Jonghyun’s eyes stay trained on Minhyun, wondering how the others don’t see the trembling of his delicate lips and the shaking of his pupils in fear. Maybe being hyperaware of someone for six years makes Jonghyun so deeply dialled in to detect Minhyun’s emotions that he feels the boy sink into desolate loneliness even in a room buzzing with overlapping complaints crashing like waves against one another. Jonghyun can only see a boy who is normally talkative when agitated become dead silent.  

Jonghyun squeezes Minhyun’s thigh get his attention. When Minhyun turns to him, if the way his eyes search over Jonghyun’s isn’t a desperate plea for help then Jonghyun doesn’t know what is.

Minhyun, who was born to shine on top.

Minhyun, whose only dream and love is to sing on stage.

Minhyun, who went without acknowledgement of his talents for years, only to have them brought to light and still get trampled on like this.

No one is as fine-tuned to Minhyun’s every need like Jonghyun is, and so without another word he stands up abruptly. Minhyun looks up at him in confusion.

“Let’s go”

“What…”

Before Minhyun can finish his sentence Jonghyun has taken his wrist, turned him around, and marched him to the door with what he hopes is a comforting hand on the other’s lower back. In normal circumstances Jonghyun would never think of manhandling Minhyun like this, but he just needs to get Minhyun away from everyone’s pitying gazes, their worried energy suffocating the room like a bottle of shaken soda beckoning to be opened. 

Jonghyun doesn’t really know where they can go so he pushes open a door of an empty practice room.

 _This is where we kissed the first time_ , his mind supplies unhelpfully.

As soon as he locks the door and turns around, his arms are full with a heap of Minhyun. The scene is so distinctly familiar, but this time Minhyun isn’t holding on like a promise, Minhyun is clinging like he’s begging Jonghyun to give him an answer.

“Hey,” he whispers softly, racking his mind for words to tell someone who’s seen their dreams dashed in front of them too many times to count.

Minhyun pulls away, tears beginning to well in his eyes as the reality of being out of the running overwhelm him.

“Yah silly, what is this? This isn’t the end.”

This makes Minhyun cry harder, and Jonghyun’s thumbs aren’t fast enough to brush the tears that stream down the other’s soft cheeks. Jonghyun feels poignantly that their roles have been switched, that it’s his turn to be the ray of positivity that Minhyun has always given so openly.

“No matter how I look at it, it seems like the end Jonghyun-ah” Minhyun rasps out his words as he tries to collect his emotions, “if I move up then I’m a PD pick. If I go down then it’s an obvious thing.”

“It’s not, you know it’s not. Never just happened, people are going to vote for you for sure.”

“Jonghyun-ah, what do I do? 12 isn’t even a bad spot but it feels everything like the end of the world.”

Jonghyun musters up his softest smile despite the pain in his heart. He knows that Minhyun is pure enough to draw confidence out of Jonghyun’s reassurance, so he pulls back and stares deeply at Minhyun, hoping to channel all of his confidence in the other. The only sliver hanging between them in the magic of the moment.

And then Minhyun is kissing him.

Minhyun is kissing him, but just as quickly as it happened he’s pulling away.

“Jonghyun-ah, I’m sorry I didn’t mean…”

His words are cut off as Jonghyun crosses the chasm this time. He pushes warm comfort into every meeting of their lips, kisses like he hopes to take all of Minhyun’s pains and shoulder it himself.  Minhyun is sloppy, desperate with none of the calm assuredness of all of the previous times. Jonghyun feels the raw emotions like a raging fire fanning over his entire body. He doesn’t even realize he’s hard until the lines of Minhyun’s dick are pressed against his thigh. Before he completely loses his rationality he makes a hasty decision.  

Lips never leaving Minhyun’s, he slides down and manoeuvers himself so that he’s sitting with his back against the mirror, Minhyun’s body draped over him and pushing him back. He moves his leg in between Minhyun’s at an angle ideal for Minhyun to grind down on. He can feel Minhyun harden inside his sweatpants at the thought is so alluring Jonghyun barely manages to breathe. He pushes his leg upwards and Minhyun groans and pulls away.

“Jonghyun-ah you don’t have to. I can’t take advantage of you like this, please” Minhyun’s words are rushed, asking him to let go when every line of his body language is begging him to stay.

“Minhyunnie it’s ok, I want to be here for you.”

“Not like this, Jonghyun-ah. Don’t force yourself into anything.”

“Hey, I want this too” The whispered admittance in the space between them takes Minhyun by surprise as his eyes widen, tear tracks still shining freshly on his cheeks.

Jonghyun pushes Minhyun’s lower back encouragingly, and Minhyun takes it and experimentally grinds down. Both of them groan at the foreign sensation.

“Do that again”

“Jonghyun-ah”

“Yes baby that’s it”

“Jonghyun-ah”

Minhyun is rutting against him messily now and Jonghyun wonders how he’s lived so long listening to Minhyun saying his name and never feeling it like this. Minhyun utters it like a prayer, like the only words he knows and Jonghyun might go just a little bit crazy like this. Every sound and movement Minhyun makes is travelling straight towards his groin, so when Minhyun pushes a palm into his crotch Jonghyun is certain he sees stars, too far gone to protest and tell Minhyun that he shouldn’t, that this is supposed to be all about him.

He feels it when Minhyun is close, feels his moans get higher and his rhythm break. He cups Minhyun’s face that had been resting softly on his shoulder, and as soon as their eyes meet both of them surge forward in an artful chaos. When Jonghyun slips his tongue into the other’s open mouth, Minhyun comes with a silent cry, and the sound is so enthralling that Jonghyun is quick to follow.

Minhyun breaks away, red lips pulsing and beads of sweat gathered on his forehead. Jonghyun thinks that he’s never looked more beautiful than this. His hands travel up Minhyun’s face and to stroke his hair. Something in Minhyun’s face breaks and he hides his nose into the crook of Jonghyun’s neck.

“Thank you Jonghyun-ah” he whispers “thank you”

Jonghyun runs his hand over the boy draped over him, kisses the top of his head and feels his heart well up with fondness. Even when his confession ready to fall out of his lips, he’s content with this for the moment. No matter what the final results are, he’s never felt with such certainty that they’ll be okay.  


	9. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyun’s smile holds the radiance of a thousand suns and Jonghyun’s heart races through the galaxies.  
> Maybe he’s always had the right words all along.

The day before the broadcast, everyone is practicing with frantic urgency, as if doubling their practice time will give them a sliver of a better chance tomorrow. Dry jokes and hollow laughs are exchanged as they get deeper into the night. 11 out of 20, Jonghyun ponders, the odds are more than a half but to him it feels like nothing at all. His mind keeps conveying images of what might happen, and it feels every bit like the end of a beginning.

He scans the trainees around him through the mirror, wondering if it’s the distortion of reflections that makes them look this ragged. All of the buoyant energy that the trainees had started off with is flattened with the approach of D-Day, their future bounced around on a court of anonymous players. The younger ones, who had never previously stood on stage now look like they were born to be there; the vocalists, who had never properly learned to dance can now pick up choreographies within a few hours; the original F classes, who had been thrown a wrench from the very beginning and fought with nails and knuckles through their own vices to end up at the final stage. They all deserve it, to debut.

At the beginning, he had no one to talk to but his own members. In a room of 101 trainees he had felt isolated, injustice pelting at him as he was bound to a wall of judgement. At the beginning, he had been scared. But now, the others are comfortable enough to come lay their heads on his lap. Now, the others cutely whine at him about how hyung should go ask the staff noonas for food because they like him best. Jonghyun can’t help but marvel at how much brighter trainee life is in a room full of overgrown puppies, compared to when he was nurturing his dream alone in the Pledis basement all those years ago.

Whatever happens, it’s fine, because he got to have this.

Minhyun plops down beside him, limbs clumsy with fatigue but smile still as dazzling as ever.

“Nervous?” Jonghyun smiles, a breezy calm washing over him at the presence of the cutest overgrown puppy of them all.

“A little”

“By the way,” Jonghyun prods as he tries to push Minhyun’s head away from its favourite position on Jonghyun’s sweaty shoulders, “the day I woke up late, what did you guys discuss with the company?”

Minhyun pouts and Jonghyun relents, faking exasperation, and lets Minhyun settle happily on his shoulder. A clingy, overly enthusiastic puppy.

“Just different scenarios. What would happen with Nu’est and what not”

“And? What did the boss say?”

“I’ve never seen him look so satisfied with us. He sees the news articles every day. Even if none of us make it he said we could still become a hit.”

Jonghyun laughs, wrapping a hand around Minhyun’s shoulder even though he could never fully reach.

Jonghyun isn’t scared of none of them making it.

Jonghyun is scared of being the only one.

\--

Broadcast has been going on for an hour and Jonghyun feels the anticipation of the audience whirring like sirens, constantly keeping him on his toes. They’re announcing the current 11th place, and Jonghyun cranes his neck in dreaded anticipation.

It’s Minhyun.

They’re watching the screen from behind the stage and Minhyun slumps against him in despair. Jonghyun realized with clarity how real this entire situation is, how dangerous Minhyun’s position is. Minhyun has relied on Jonghyun emotionally more over the past few days than the last 6 years combined, and Jonghyun wishes more than anything that he had the right words, the answers that would put Minhyun’s mind at ease.

“Hey, no matter what happens, it’ll be ok.

We’ll be ok.

I love you”

The last words tumble out of his mouth before he clamps it shut, and he registers the sharp inhale from the other, sucking away his message before he can take it back.

“Uhm… I mean… please don’t feel burdened. You don’t have to do anything… really”

At this moment, as if he were a motion picture and someone hits the play button, Minhyun lets out a choked noise halfway between a laugh and a sob and lunges at Jonghyun, wrapping himself completely around Jonghyun’s frigid form.

“I love you, Jonghyun-ah, I’ve loved you from the beginning. You’re always smiling for us but your eyes carry the burden of the world and I never stop thinking about how to take it away. I don’t know when the need to protect you turned into the feeling like my heart will explode every time you smile, but over the past few weeks your footsteps have become lighter and I’d do anything to keep that spring in your step…”

Minhyun is rambling now, in the way Jonghyun knows only happens when he’s too happy, too nervous, and just feeling too much. He reaches his hand to close the gap that had felt like a thousand assumptions wide a few minutes ago, and puts the stopper on Minhyun’s avalanche of words when he feels the pressure on his cheek.

“I know silly, I’ve always loved you too, I’m sorry it took me this long to realize it.”

Minhyun’s smile holds the radiance of a thousand suns and Jonghyun’s heart races through the galaxies.

Maybe he’s always had the right words all along.

The fourth time they kiss leaves Jonghyun wondering if it’s always going to feel like the first time. The fact that there is a next time casts a safety net over Jonghyun’s heart that had previously been shrouded in the darkness of cold walls. Minhyun kisses like he’s always going to be there, like he’s waited all his life to treasure Jonghyun even if everyone else turns their back. It’s chaste, Minhyun pulling away too quickly with eyes crinkled in half moons, and Jonghyun wants to freeze this moment and keep it in his pocket for safekeeping.

\--

Minhyun is 9th. The relief washes in like a broken dam and Jonghyun is close to sinking to his knees and thanking the heavens. There’s no one who deserves a spot more. 

Seeing him up there, like a prince – _my prince_ , his mind supplies-- Jonghyun’s heart goes badump.

He can’t tear his eyes away from Minhyun’s relieved tears, his heart feels ready to break out of his chest and gallop to his love, he has to clutch onto it to keep himself in place. Once Minhyun sits down on the plush sofa, his gaze automatically seeks Jonghyun’s.

 _I’m waiting for you_ , it said.

\--

Jonghyun’s foot scuffles anxiously on the floor. They’ve just called Jaehwan up to #4. The discomfort around him is deeply palpable, with too many talented people and too few seats left. Jonghyun feels poignantly the cruelty of this moment, one by one the trainee’s hopeful hearts are being swatted to rock bottom like flies.

“Third place, Brand New Music Lee Daehwi”

The reality of not making it is shoved into Jonghyun’s face like a ticking time bomb and he has nowhere to run. His eyes dart frantically to Minhyun, who has his head tilted to the sky in prayer. More than worrying about himself, Jonghyun wants to take Minhyun’s tightly clasped fingers and cup them in his smaller palms. Once again, Jonghyun feels the helplessness of being unable to reach out to the one he loves.

“14th place, Pledis Kim Jonghyun”

He knew. He knew as soon as he saw BoA’s face, dread creeping up his throat as BoA looks the most resigned she ever has on the entire show. He hears the quiet gasps around them, the trainees and audience members stunned to silence at the revelation.

These murmurs of the people around him feel like they’re being hurled at him like bricks of magnified distress. He’s not debuting, the fog has settled back down on his future, the red cord of fate that had just revealed itself is being cut in half. Wasn’t he being too greedy, thinking that he’d make it? Hadn’t he learned enough times that success isn’t meant for him?

His eyes catch Minhyun’s fallen head. He feels the safety net unravel around his heart and leaves it sinking, precariously bare. For a reason he is unable to grasp, this seems to hurt more.

Jonghyun hates losing control the most in the world.

Except seeing Minhyun like this.

Like he’s lost the world when Jonghyun is still right there, waiting for him.

And everyone has already told Jonghyun to stop goddamn thinking about everyone else, but at that moment Jonghyun can only wonder how lonely Minhyun is, how hopeless the other trainees are, how cruel it is for Sewoon to be so close, how kind Minki is revealed to be 20th. This is a reality show, everyone gives some, everyone takes some.

The comments say that Jonghyun is always giving, that he never thinks about himself. What they don’t realize is how much trust and love he’s taken as well. Even if being 14th is the biggest loss yet, Jonghyun doesn’t fear the end of his path because even though the door to debut has closed, there’s always going to be another way. He’s been given the confidence to lead and the strength to build his skills. Most importantly, Jonghyun knows that being on this show has given him the most precious memories in the world.

\--

Filming is over. Some people are laughing, others are crying. Jonghyun watches Minhyun act everything like he wants to lock himself in a room and cry his heart out. The persistent tugging of his heart gives a little when he sees an enthusiastic little chick trailing his boyfriend, always eager to please.

 _Boyfriend_ , is that what he gets to call Minhyun now? The word rolls along his tongue and he has to clench his teeth together to stop himself from saying it out loud. 

He knows that if Minhyun looks at him now he’ll only have an apology in his eyes. It reminds him of the first re-evaluations, when Minhyun came into that practice room, apologizing for things that didn’t work out even when he tried his best. He wants to drill some sense into the boy to stop blaming himself for things that aren’t his fault, but realizes how hypocritical that is and dismisses it.

So he gives a single hug without making eye contact, whispering “congratulations” against the other’s cheek. Pulling away is hard when every cell in his body screams to hold Minhyun and shield him from the waves of grief that threaten to whisk him away.  

\--

They’re finally alone backstage when Dongho lures Seonho away from Minhyun with promise of leftover food from the staff, giving Jonghyun a meaningful look before closing the door behind him. Jonghyun is infinitely thankful for Dongho’s incredible intuition.

Minhyun’s head is still hanging so Jonghyun runs an assuring hand across his scalp

“I’m sorry.”

“I knew you’d say that. Stop blaming yourself.”

“Jonghyun-ah, if I wasn’t announced in the middle. It might be you up there, or it might be Dongho. I blocked you guys.”

“Minhyunie. If you say stuff like that I’ll really get mad. Who was the one who chose me for Justice League and allowed me to lead a team to becoming a legend? It’s you. Because of your unwavering faith in me the others trusted me as well, and I got to receive love for who I am for the first time. You’re the one I’m the most thankful for.”

Minhyun is rubbing his eyes again and Jonghyun is so hopelessly in love with the boy who has been given another chance but still only worries about the people around him. He gathers Minhyun in his arms, nipping at the other’s earlobe.

 “I’ll be fine. See? I’ve been fine all along because you believed in me. We won’t be able to see each other as much, but we’ll believe in each other from a distance, right?”

“I’m so used to seeing you every morning before I wake up, and every night before I go to sleep.”

“You should say that to your ceiling instead,” Jonghyun jokes as he flicks his forehead, laughing as the other scrunches his eyebrows.

“Will you call?”

“Of course, just because you’re in a different dorm doesn’t mean I’ll stop telling you to be quiet before going to bed.”

“Can I text you between schedules?”

“Yah if you get lost and mobbed by fans because you’re staring at your phone, we’ll all laugh at you.”

Minhyun chuckles “We’re together now but you’re still going to play hard to get?”

“For you? Always.”

\--

Upon Minki’s plea to the managers, they’re going out for drinks in Gangnam. Jonghyun feels the suppressed sadness of the others, as if being with a group of people for six years can make you wordlessly filter through their myriad of emotions like a painter’s palette. The drinking session is somber, most of the movement comes from the owner silently pushing plates upon plates of appetizers on them without charge. Minhyun’s tears keep coming and all of the members have already teased him about how he’s supposed to be a stone.

Minki is listlessly browsing through his phone when he suddenly screams dramatically.

Dongho rolls his eyes at the boy’s dramatics. “Minki if Lady Gaga released a new single the entire restaurant doesn’t need to hear about it.”

“It’s not that. Guys, we’re on MelOn.”

“Never has been on MelOn for 2 weeks….”

“No, not Produce 101. Nu’est. Hello is rising up on the charts”

All of the members trip over their chairs in their haste to scramble around Minki’s phone. Each of them gasp, rub their eyes in disbelief, pinch themselves, pinch each other. But it’s unmistakeable, in the top 10, Hello is there.

Jonghyun smiles radiantly, they have never reached this kind of ranking since debut. He gathers Minhyun who starts sobbing harder into his arms, and Minki, Dongho and Aron wrap around them in a massive group hug. Pledis boss said that he was proud of them, they’re getting attention on charts and news sites. Jonghyun feels so much like they’ll be okay that he can barely recognize his own thoughts.

His members are laughing now, patting each other on the back and doing cheers with their previously barely touched soju. Minhyun gives him a sloppy kiss on the cheek happily, leaving Jonghyun to frantically look around before shyly looking down, blaming the flames dusting his cheeks on the alcohol.

It’s as if good fortune came knocking on the door, and Jonghyun comes to realize that success isn’t a constant, it’s a fluctuating cycle. There’s always going to be an uphill and a downhill, and if he keeps fighting for it it’ll keep coming in increments. He’s debuted once, people have loved him, everyone has given him confidence in his leadership, he’s top searched on Naver, and now Nu’est is rising higher on charts than they ever have. The thoughts of his entire career being a failure? There have been so many small successes along the way as well.

\--

Minhyun’s lying in his bed, acting on his new favourite hobby of draping himself over Jonghyun and squishing him with his wide frame. Jonghyun plays the part of complaining sulkily to make Minhyun laugh in glee, but secretly welcomes the secure pressure. Jonghyun’s mind wanders back to the nights he spent writing those lyrics for Fear, wanders through the crevices of hollow loneliness and marvel over how everything has changed. Since then, hope and love has crawled its way through the door to stay.

_Will you wait for me?_

_I will, I’ll wait for you until the end._

_Promise?_

_Always._

_Thank you, Jonghyun-ah._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's it folks, it's been a long and emotional run and I really really hope you enjoyed it as well.  
> This chapter took me 2 whole days to write and idk if it did everything justice.  
> A huge thank you to Helina for beta-ing this entire fic.  
> And I would never have had the courage to stick this out to the end if it weren't for all of you supportive readers. I read every single one of the comments I get here, and many of you sent me support on Twitter as well. Thank you guys, you are very precious to me.  
> It's not going to be an easy path for Nu'est going forward but you have to taste the pain with them to celebrate the successes with them right? I'll strongly believe in that.  
> Goodbye for now, find me at [twobugis](www.twobugis.com)


End file.
